Animals Don't Like My Son, Except Armadillos

Do you need to write a funny vignette or narrative type 2? Here's an example I wrote. 

Our oldest son has a bad track record with animals. Or should I say they  have a bad record with him, either way, the son-animal relationship is complicated. 

He was gored by a Vietnamese potbelly pig at a petting zoo when he (son, not pig) was three. Fortunately his tusks had been trimmed (pig's not son's). 

A goat ate his leaf at 5 (age, not time, son, not goat). "His" is dubious, given son had taken said leaf from a tree in said goat's cage in the first place. Boy did he caterwaul (said son, not goat. It just quietly ate said leaf). Monkeys screeched, zebras stampeded. People ducked and covered. We thought something had eaten son's arm off and was working it's way up the torso. Apparently by the sound it hadn't reached his mouth. 

Then son was pursued (with malicious intent) by a flock of geese at Deer Forest's Storybook Lane. He was six, not that it matters.  Anyone who knows fowl, knows hell hath no fury like an enraged goose. Poor sonny-son, we'd not briefed him on goose protocol. We found him eyes glazed, mud-covered and cowering Peter Peter Pumpkin-Eater's big stucco pumpkin. 

But he was able to bond with one species: the armadillo. He was age 26, which might be important. Or it might not be. We encountered them at a nature preserve in St. Martinville, Louisiana. Being Michiganders, we'd never even seen one. Both sons were intrigued. Younger son Jake is animal-y and tried to pet one. We all howled with laughter as he shrieked (literally said eeek!) and ran when the armadillo only turned to look at him. I've read they're timid (armadillos, not sons). 

I guess we're more citfied than we realize. 

Read on.   Son Does Not Get on With Animals, Except Armadillos

Advent Musings--Week Two, Hope

This is an Advent essay I wrote. Week 2 of Advent focuses on hope and here are my thoughts on that. 

He slams into his second grade classroom, like a Lord of Flatbush, late as usual, angry as always. He must have read Hitler's Mein Kompf, about the way to make a grand entrance. Arrive late; leave early. He does. He hides, sneaks off and causes adults to hunt for him whenever possible. Despite weighing at sub-pee-wee weight, about 50# and reaching only to my belly button, he packs a lot of p*ss and vinegar.

Flaxen blond hair in a military cut, darting cornflower blue eyes always watching to see if teacher is noticing his antics (I am, but avoiding the reinforcement of negative attention). Pale, unhealthy skin, translucent to show dark shadows under the eyes (allergies, lack of sleep, poor nutrition, too much TV or a combination). Thin wrists and fingers, he always looks tired, cold and lonely, despite his belligerence. As though being mean is the only thing that keeps him going. 

 He does everything he can think of to get into trouble. He goes to the office and causes more trouble. Nobody is really sure just what to do with him or for him. Calling home is no solution. Parents can't (won't?) make him behave. No judgement. Mom and dad are both working hard to provide. There are four children in the family. In Michigan we've got the distinction having the highest unemployment rate. Jobs are scarce, especially is you didn't or couldn't get a good education. Even if you did, we have teachers selling shoes to make ends meet.

Recess time: Michigan windchill in the single digits and snow blowing sideways. I help 48 feet get into 48 boots. I check 24 warm coats and snow pants to make sure that they are are zipped up snugly. There are no snow-pants or boots for one student. You can guess who. Oh there's a coat but it's a man's large with a broken zipper. I've got playground duty. Even dressed in my warm clothes, I can feel the annual winter laryngitis setting in. He stays in the alcoves of the school to stay warm. Standing by an unused door, he shouts and hollers to drum up a crowd. I know that he's hiding out to stay warm; showing off to cover up that fact. He's not hurting anything. Just making a lot of noise.

Another sub is in the room next door. She's insecure and wants to prove herself. It's funny how you just know this about people. No judgement. Well maybe just a bit. Leave the attitude at the office if you're going to do our job. She marches to the unused door and pulls the loud one in. Startled, (the students never use this door) he shifts nervously from one foot to the other. 

He's been having a great day so far and I'm tickled (so are the other kids). Are we making a nanometer of progress? Under her withering criticism and menacingly soft-shaming voice, I can see his tiny, poorly clad back go up (apparently she doesn't notice that this kid hasn't even got proper clothes?) I guess yelling on the playground is forbidden in her book. She has obviously "been trained" to "deal" with this-sort-of-child". And she does. Coldly. Ruthlessly. Stupidly.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. I'm no angel, but I have common sense and I choose my battles. I don't step in, I never question an adult in front of a child. But I almost did. She had marched him to his classroom and the facetiousness in her voice made me sick. She had her gotcha moment, done and dusted. Would a little kindness have cost her so much? We were both going to gone the next day to other jobs? Why was it so damned important to win against this child who obviously had a lot stacked against him? 

As I walked him down the hall, he muttered to me "I didn't know she could hear me." I was on a thin line here. I didn't want to confuse him by criticizing her. I didn't want to undermine her. I said, "well, each teacher has her own style. It's not mine. And now you know that people can hear you."  I can't even say, "go back outside and enjoy your recess, because clearly, he can't, it being too cold." Predictably, his behavior spiraled downward after that. 

So what do we do with a kid like that? Spare the rod and spoil the child? I can't see that he's been spoiled much. I'm only a sub, but I talked with his teacher about what to do. I said I'd like to donate a whole brand-new winter outfit: snow pants, coat, gloves, hat, boots. Leave them in the office with a note: With Love to D-- . But what about the other 3 kids in his family ? I can't really afford the first set of clothes, let alone four complete sets. He's not the only kid in the school who could use an upgrade in winter clothing, either. And what about the family? Will they be embarrassed? Will I be 'enabling' them? I don't even care. I just can't stand to see a cold kid.

My Advent hope is in the coming of Our Lord. It's also that there is some way that I can help these kids.

Sample Commentary for Current Events Essay Writing

Looking for guidance on essay writing? In an essay, the writer takes a stand on an issue and backs it up with fact. The essay should employ literary devices and some elements of creativity--it shouldn't just be dry fact. It's similar to creative non-fiction in that fact is written about creatively.

Essays are similar to commentaries (also called editorial or op-ed), in which the writer comments, from his own opinion and experience, on trending news stories. Typically, other stories or facts are employed to back up the author's contention. Writers need to be careful not to write too much fact with essays/commentaries. The piece is then an analysis. Essays should clearly reflect the writer's opinion. Here's an example from a piece I wrote for Yahoo!

--Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to censor. Take the matter of online photo sharing--there's sometimes a fine line between offensive content and freedom of speech (or share). Who's to say what constitutes offensive material. There's no one-size-fits-all model  that works for every situation.

Like a fly, Facebook keeps getting tangled in the censorship web. Time and again, photos are banned that shouldn't be. Case in point are the images from a breast cancer survivor which Facebook deemed obscene. Read more at...Facebook's Odd Photo Bans Highlight Censorship Dilemmas 

How to Write a Nostalgic Tribute, Experience Memoir

Nostalgic tributes or memorials are my terms for writings that describe feelings in retrospect. Nostalgic tributes are similar to memoirs except that they focus on how the individual was impacted by a larger experience in history. Here's an example I wrote from a the Vietnam War as it impacted me as a child.

On June 8, 1972, I was your average 7-year-old, happy to be out of school and looking forward to summer vacation. Soldiers were fighting in a place called "Vietnam" but that was far away and didn't really affect me in my happy little beach town of Muskegon, Mich.
Over meatloaf and mashed potatoes, we watched news reels on television. As callous as only a child can be, I got used to seeing the graphic images. In fact, it used to annoy me when war updates interrupted "Tom and Jerry."  Read more at Photo of Girl in Vietnam Napalm Bombing Brings Back Memories

What was Christmas like for Mary, Our Blessed Mother?

What was Christmas like for Mary, Our Blessed Mother? I began this article in a more devotional vein, but found myself stuck on a part of Christmas that I had never given much thought to. What was Christmas like for Mary, mother or Jesus, our Blessed mother? I know that some Protestants are uncomfortable, even to the point of accusing blasphemy for calling Mary by her rightful titles: Mother of God, Queen of Heaven, Our Blessed Mother. I, like St. Paul, was one of the accusers, 'in fact one of the worst' at one time. Being pretty smart and smart-mouthed, I could out argue anyone. Being born and raised in a protestant environment, I knew nothing little about Notre Dame and what I had been taught was protestant anti-Catholic apologetics. Consequently, I was pretty vehement in her criticism. But the I went and married this Catholic guy, had kids, went to the grotto of Lourdes and accidentally fell in love with 'the lady of sorrows'....but that's another story. Back to the Mary of Christmas. Now even if I could make a case that Mary was not immaculately conceived (which I would not do), there are some glaring points in the Christmas story which prove unequivocally that Mary was and is Regina, Queen of Heaven. Read on...

"What I am Most Thankful for" An adult's Thanksgiving essay

Thanksgiving Thoughts on Loved Ones Living and Lost How many times have I assigned students to write that Thanksgiving holiday essay entitled, 'What I Am Thankful for This Year'? Young and old, when it boiled right down, children listed their families at the top of the list. After the obligatory nods to the great Thanksgiving food and favorite toys, almost every student realized that what could not be replaced, what was most valuable was to love and be loved. Read more...

Editorial, Commentary, Persuasive Speech Writing Sample

This begins an article I wrote for Yahoo! News. I have written in in the form of an editorial, commentary or persuasive speech. It might also be used as an essay example. It begins: "Ask anyone age 40 if they remember seeing so many obese children and overweight teenagers. The answer will be a resounding no. Juvenile obesity is the fastest growing health issue in America, as well it should be. America is killing children, one mouthful at a time. In the U.S., we are literally poisoning children, with every bite we feed them." To read more, click here...

Greenwich Village Smoking vs. Low-Brow, Low-Life Smoking; Ah, the Ideals of Youth

I began (and ended) smoking in college, in 1982. Because I thought intellectuals smoked. Look at Jackson Pollock, his ubiquitous fag dangling from his bottom lip. His painting "No. 5, 1948" sold for $151 million and it was just a bunch of paint dribbles. If smoking was stupid, I wanted to be stupid like Jackson Pollock. Stupid like Georgia O'Keefe, Eugene O'Neill, Edith Warton... the Greenwich Village crowd. The reds, the anarchists, the social reformers. The left bankers. I wanted to identify with them.

I graduated from a class D school in a rural community. I say "rural," but that's out of politeness. The pastoral farming life died off with Michigan's auto industry, leaving in its wake drug use, apathy, an arrogant-ignorant mentality that the less nice people called "white-trash", the fallout of economic and social depression.

Nearly every kid in my class of 52 smoked. The drop-out rate was higher than the rate of non-smokers. I didn't smoke until college. Somehow I made a mental distinction: Smoking in high school was for go-nowhere losers, not me. Smoking in college was for intellectuals, like me. High-brow smoke couldn't kill you; or if it did, somehow it meant something: Poor, but by choice. Smoking the burnt-out ends of someone else's cigarettes and living on ideals.

 But conformity is, by nature, hard to shake, especially in the early 1980s. In my non-conformity, I found myself conforming in practice to a lot of what I was rebelling against in theory. The fear of disease, especially HIV-AIDS, prevented me from smoking OP (Other Peoples) cigarettes. Yes, I know, HIV is not transmitted orally, but AIDS was new then and we didn't know and took no chances. The agony to my lungs prevented me from smoking unfiltered Camels (filtered cigarettes were for weak-minded fools).

The fear of looking like a booze hag prevented me from smoking pretty cigarettes like Virginia Slims or Eve. The irony that I always smoked at (or brought cigarettes to) the nightclubs we frequented did not occur to me. So I smoked "sensible" Merit and later Marlboro Light. On our occasional trips to Windsor, Ontario, I'd pick up several packs of Canadian Players cigarettes. American Players, in their elegant black box were acceptable, but Canadian was classier. I had very fuzzy but dogmatic bougie ideas about things like brand identity, color of cigarette box and  how it said things about who I was and wasn't. 

I clearly remember The Great American Smokeout, that first year of college. I was not about to participate, especially because I was finally able to master inhaling without collapsing in spasms of coughing. As time passed, however, and I grew wiser (and cigarettes got more expensive) I finally saw the error of my ways. I realized, alas, smoking didn't prove anything about me. That a halo of smoke around my head did nothing except make my hair, clothes and breath stink. So I quit smoking. This is really a much fancier term than it deserves -- because I had never really seriously started smoking.

(at the time of this writing) Thursday marks the 35th anniversary of the Great American Smokeout, brainchild of the American Cancer Society. My husband still smokes and has since our college days. Initially he participated in the Great American Smokeout; now, 28 years later, he no longer does. In theory, a no-smoking day is great; in practice, less so, because it must combat the instinct built up from years of daily and hourly cigarette smoking. 

Now in edit, I'll add that my husband has quit smoking cigarettes and now vapes. I don't know if the Great American Smokeout still exists. I don't see the glamour of College People cigarettes that I once did. I am still a bit of an idealist though. 

An All Souls Day Essay on Honesty

All Souls Day Stories: An Honest Little Boy
It's All Souls Day, and I'm feeling reminiscent. After homeschooling for years, it seems a little odd not to be wrapped up in holy day and holiday preparations. Here's a little story to warm you for the holy day. It's true.
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Got Writer's Block? All Stressed Out? Simple Stress First Aid...

Got Writer's Block? Or how about Writer's Cramp? Stressed out about that poem, article, essay, narrative or composition? Those are common writers' occupational hazards. But they can be debilitating. Here's some writer's first aid and stress relievers. Easy, free, fast relief from emotional constipation that we writers are prone to...Read more!

Argument/ Persuasive Speech

Last February, when Cindy Tistadt, wife of superintendent Dean Tistadt responded to a student's phone call (complaining about not getting a snow day), I wrote an argument (diatribe) in her defense. I came under some fire myself and wrote an addendum or rebuttal. Here are examples of argument, point-counterpoint and rebuttals for your debate or speech class. Read...

Snow Day Argument

Snow Day Rebuttal

Advent Week One Essay: Expectation and the Human Condition

Advent Week One: Expectation and the Human Condition
I did a lot of creative writing when I was young. I wrote about life before I had much experience. I was naive and idealistic. Here are my advent musings. Now I've lived more. I'm still idealistic. I still have Advent hope and expectation.
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Comparison Contrast Composition

Why Cats Are Better Pets Than Dogs
Pets provide companionship and love. Pets also make messes, noise and bad smells. Pets cause damage to person and property, and are generally a nuisance. Here's a sartorial comparison between at pet cats and pets dogs. Pet cats win (but not by much).
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Common Writing Errors

Common Writing Errors
What are the most common new writer errors? In my experience, they are errors based on inaccurate ideas. Proof-reading cleans up grammatical, spelling, punctuation and format errors. How do we repair content errors?
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Composition, Essay, Short Story and Narrative

How to Write an Essay or Composition
The word 'composition' can denote different several types of writing for different circumstances. A composition is a personal narrative, a short work of fiction or prose, an essay, a dramatic work or a poem. Each of these writing genres has its own rubric. Read on for writer guidelines on several types of composition: narrative, short story, and my dear friend, the essay.Click here...