name and claim said the preacher man
more holy-speak I didn't understand
doubt he'd hear what I could naming claim
ever the foreign tongued from alien land
but yanno, having said all that
I'll name what I was afraid to see
comprehension wasn't my problem
and what's wrong with church wasn't me
(like I always thought it was)
here's some honesty, long overdue
no more cantors staking their claim
This is my poem and my rules
I'll be the judge of what I name
Are we clear upon all that
on with truth, moving right along
secret handshakes and passwords don't prove
That to some exclusive club you belong
why can't you just spell it out
why the mysterious babbling
The Bible doesn't stutter
We shouldn't need a decoder ring
gaslighting insinuations
some vague thing we're failing to claim
Sinners scalded and finger-pointed out
in weekly round of blame-shame-game
lecturing on what we already do
knowing nothing of our backstory
instead of meeting us where we are
we are co-opted to fit the homily
recklessly reburning our old scars
no thought of how the words cut
rigid pompous self-assured
sucker punch in a bruised gut
tempted to temper these thoughts of mine
with smoothing and soothing I always do
but no amount of sweet paraphrasing
soothes my suffering in the pew
my truth isn't as simple as
the confession of sin
it's about my antecedents'
visited on me time and again
what if I took him up on the chance
my big reveal at the altar call?
wouldn't that raise a few eyebrows
exposing dirty secrets in parent tell-all?
I'm too old now but always knew
that if ever my soul I did bare
if their deeds were made known
doubt anyone at all would care
church is about wearing nice hats
arriving on time and filling up pews
pretending your friends never hurt you
bowing, kneeling and praying on cues
always wrong, never getting it right
bleeding inside while nodding amen
confessing sin you don't even know
auto-flagellating yourself again
boggle bewildered unreachable pain
feeling you're wrong but not knowing how
doing penance like they said I should
no peace of mind then and surely not now
nightmare chasing me all day long
nothing made sense in the bible-i-verse
fraud shame bites like a rabid dog
dogged compliance just made it worse
So that's my truth to name and claim
probably not what he wanted to know
if unburdening it will save my soul
why does grief stalk wherever I go?
if confessing was all I needed to do
am there and do that eternally
don't even require an apology
just a friend to hold space for me.
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