did the unthinkable
on this day of days
parted company with
traditional ways
it's not what I did
it's what I didn't do
insignificant
it may seem to you
for once didn't go
I stayed home in bed
first time in decades I
heard my pain instead
her voice silenced since
forever long time
always playing my
"I'm fine" pantomime
and I power on
mutely holding all
load-bearing lady
always takes the fall
this sounds selfish, or
maybe just I hear
old haranguing voices
clanging in my ear
stop showing off, you
just want sympathy
you're too sensitive
in your pity party
pain was inconvenient
needs were always blamed
tired was verboten
sick was ignored or shamed
And so I shut down
I sucked up my pain
like a vacuum or
a spiraling drain
of course it spiraled
screwed itself down tight
frozen in my core
clamped like jaw bite
hand over a mouth
to silence a scream
but she was too loud
especially in dream
"She" is a fairy
pain she helps me see
she's much more friend than
they ever were to me
she starts and ends day
and punctuates night
though I keep her at bay
still she shines her light
no matter how tight
I put on her lid
my bottled genie
refuses to stay hid
she interrupts my sleep
sounds back alarm bell
if I don't heed she makes
other parts hurt as well
I should thank her for
waking me in pain
so I stop heeding
shaming in my brain
it's them I should ignore
voices in my my head
they get louder too
when I go to bed
not that I'm expected
to hurt silent be
by the folks I love
who also love me
they aren't the problem
the shame lives in me
in harm from people
I once called family
so today I did
something differently
gagged the voices to
hear the wise fairy
how did it feel to
finally speak her name
I don't know yet
some is still the same
it'll take time and work
to gag shame for good
we'll do it together
in our safe fairy wood
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