No second line on this funeral train

"just a closer walk with thee

grant it Jesus is my plea"

so many hymns sung as a

tot never seemed to apply to me

I didn't see that till, well now

and that helps unravel a mystery

filling pews in all the churches

I sat pretty much alone and lonely

where were they when this 

church hopping they did

or maybe the question is 

where was I, their little kid?

a friend asked yesterday how

child me felt treated so odd

parents me owning like property

making me think they were god

couldn't say, never thought about it

needs, wants, self verboten for me

existing in shadow like a baby ghost 

stumbling clumsily along periphery 

dragged along begrudgingly 

bounced between his or her home

to their next big Ponzi scheme

never having a home of my own

Each obsessed with themselves 

and the new people they found 

expected to parent and char for them all

used to them never being around

growing up by accident despite

their harm not because of their aid

existing on scraps thrown to control

being oh so very and always afraid

fear of pissing of the four off 

in each's own way,  were always so mad

fear of failing or being in their way 

the folk called stepparents mom and dad

what pictures remain, so few do 

show my anxious pinched little face 

trying hard to smile and to fit in

part of, oh frabjuous day, a place

I've read, didn't know back then

that keeping mum, small and hid

wearing pain scars like death mask

are tell-tale signs in an abused kid 

now adult or what passes for that

I still try to take up no space at all 

I pretzel and crumple myself up

like a used Kleenex rolled in a ball

I'm sore, everything aches so much

from bowing and bending myself so low

I've broken and torn myself  to shreds 

I don't know how much lower I can go

about the songs I sang in church

all this harm parents did only to me

dislocated, cold, shattered to bits

Friend Jesus was not nowhere to see

they were so selfish and off 

whatever shit they wanted I gave

Provided for them at my own cost

enmeshment sadly doesn't end in grave

voices yammering in my brain

dying only makes louder and worse 

songs choked by toxic fumes from

gaslighting powered funeral hearse

no hope on this death train

forbidden the jubilant second line 

their jazz funeral express goes on

ceaseless "closer walk" dirge is mine

The girl with the sandburr in her side

now that I'm out it's out

the dirty little secrets we kept

shackled by their heavy burdens

it's about damn time I wept

now that weeping's begun

hang on it's gonna get loud

ugly crying, threats and curses

to spit it out I'm not too proud

I'm stooping to their level?

you say but you don't know

there's no rock bottom to 

which my parents would not go 

You call my truth vindictive

two wrongs don't make right

you curse my darkness yet 

you offer me no light 

but pointing wrong way round

your wagging digit of blame 

excusing parent perpetrators

while scolding my spoken shame 

 

but just remember and beware

the lecturing you so often do 

when that finger you point at me

four more point back at you

it's not for her dirty secrets

that the kid is taking the rap

it's shit they did to her 

so shut your flapping trap 

open up mind and stop your

tone-deaf prat so crass

hear my inner child out

don't make yourself the ass

what you call disloyal is me 

calling out dad's vowed suicide 

premeditated death weaponized 

to make me cower and hide

and what about your mom

she's victim too you say 

funny now you mention it

that's exactly what she would say

"what about Nancy?" is the

burden of her theme 

her utter narcissism has

become a classic meme 

when dad dumped on me

mother turned her face away

concerned only about herself 

abandoning me each and every way  

when I asked for help 

she shrugged and tossed her head

callous to death and pain

let's focus on her instead

caring not that her little girl 

was drifting out to sea

in fact mommy cut the rope 

and glibly gaslit my reality 

since then and to this day

no one's ever thrown a bone 

being pre-emptively pall bearer 

was a fear I carried alone 

You say we didn't know nor speak

of such things back in the day

well I lived then too and quite alone 

with none to guide me on my way

and scuze me, did I just hear 

you defend adults who did not 

help to carry a child's load 

left her to shoulder the lot? 

Standing on your ignorance

I'm sorry that just won't do 

what you're ignoring is conscience

I'll hear no sermons from you

And spare me your fake pity

if sorrow you have for me 

I can't hear your caring

over your ignoring complicity

even if you confessed your guilt

it's many days and dollars to late

Keep your  sorrys to yourself

They're well past the sell-by date

and funny how mea culpaes 

until eleventh hour wait upon

fire insurance apologies aren't 

worth the paper they're printed on

sorry they say but do not mean

you'll get no remorse nor contrition

they're only sorry they got caught 

you'll be lucky to get admission

dressed in DARVO and excuse 

if admission you ever get 

then it's begrudgingly only

when trapped in their own net

but be careful, don't trust 

for there will surely be a snare 

that comes back to snag you 

when their sins they must declare

gaslighting hurt was their legacy 

and it's what silenced my voice 

groomed to bear their guilt 

having no protection nor choice

help arrived late or not at all

it took my 60 years just to see

all the scars and bruises they

continually inflicted upon me 

to rescue little me I 

write out my pain in rhyme

big me owes her a life 

ring thrown back in time 

my grasp must exceed reach

If I'm us both to save 

arms stretched far and deep 

lest we sink under the wave

expect more dark verses

as I go down the well 

there's lots of us trapped there

and a lot more pain to tell

This ain't over, Jack (or) we've only just begun to die

Hello it's me again 

the death-eater dad's spawn

the brain-cursed kid on whom

the doom is starting to dawn

back for round two in the

memory goo-stew to romp 

got some personal hell to sort

evil juju to curb stomp

parting gift from my pater's

dark flirtation with the grave

You haven't heard the last of  this, Jack

I've got an inner child to save

my old man who knew I 

hated him self-applying that name

when I tearfully told him so

LOLed and did it just the same

And speaking of dumping junk 

in your kid's mind to blight

it wasn't the only or worst 

for me he'd a special gelignite 

To call it by name is verboten

you can't even use the word 

it starts with sui and ends in cide

but fine for this kid to have heard

so I can't pen about the pain 

that my father inflicted on me

internet protocol forbids that I

spell out his threatened heresy 

and beyond threats, promising

he'd bring himself to end

I'd cry and beg him not to 

he'd smirk and leave me to fend

( I was five). 

I see now he was bluffing 

my eyes washed clear by tears

the self-harm song he sung

just to trip-wire my worst fears

terrified that he'd upsticks 

as he and mom had often done 

I'd walk through fire to shield him 

from the Ku-Klux-Klan of his gun

I see now it wasn't for me

that I body blocked my dad

it was for him I feared 

it hurt like hell to see him sad

but now I ask myself was he

sad or were S-word threats a tool

to get me to do what he wanted 

to see me dance like a motley fool?

who sends a kid to fight the

demon horde in his stead 

combat fatigue like no other

it sent me out of my head

But a word to the wise

too little too late for young me

you can't fight the dark with only

dad's gaslighting by which to see

I'm so exhausted by grief 

and this poem has no close 

this ain't over by a long chalk

I've much more hurt to expose

there's no such thing as closure 

I'm bleeding from open sores 

unlocking one door just leads to 

more crazy confusing doors. 

But this ain't over Jack. Not even if the fat lady sings. 

(photo is me at age 6 or 7 around when he started his death threats)

Black Rhyme Time

I love to pen the poems 

of dunes and lake and rain

there are times for those but

also for my sonnets of pain

Shakespeare, or his ghost writ

bled out his heart in rhyme

I find dank verse comforting 

their harsh jarring notes sublime

I've a black parade of memories

but I won't sing a morbid tune

I'd a death-eater dad for that

it's to the falling but trying I croon 

ever notice how "help" can hurt? 

on essential cruelty BS we're fed

healing by inflicting suffering 

to bloodletting nonsense we're wed

 

Sure there's stuff I don't know

but I really don't get why 

if help helps and hurts hurts 

will it actually help if I die?

Cuz it really hurts like hell

That's how "therapy" can feel

by gutting, debriding and dicing are

they cutting off more than they heal?

That's where poetry has a place

to our suffering it gives voice

you can opt bearing down and tearing 

but know that you have a choice

we can sing out our bleeding

on in theatre we can bleed out 

is everything salvageable with verse?

that's what this verse is about

It's naive and yet I find 

salve in my bitter refrain  

my soul wounds embracing 

instead of opening up a vein

So let the blackness come 

let sorrowing heart waters flow

let justice roll down like tears 

as to my River Styx I go 

That's where the prussic acid

in my black rhymes originates

damned dammed up flood rivers 

neither pooh-poohs nor placates 

no condescending shush-hushing

Hurt must be screamed out in song 

all the little lost souls grieved for 

this shit won't be quiet for long

so with this ship I'll go down

and on this bloody hill I'll die

let's quit spit-balling platitudes

and take a stand on the why 

why so many broken people?

why do they choose the dark side

call it what you will it's the same

self-harm, or dare we say suicide?

So let's name it and claim it 

with guns and bombs we're sending

so many to what it fucking is

the endless end without ending 

and I don't have rhyme for that. 

Some us went down that path

to their promised uncloudy day

us blind, crippled, lame and insane

sent on our hopeless, helpless way 

And it's because I well recall 

many filthy, grimy bleak days

I don't want any of mine to 

trod in my footprinted dark ways 

ways which were preordained

by my death eating dad of yore

ways which I inherited but still  

I don't want to go down anymore

so now we come to the gist 

to prevent I WILL go down the

fiery slide to Hades and more 

whatever it takes to protect them

I'll open up that unhallowed door

I'm not brave but I owe

to my beloved posterity 

to exorcise demons so we

can I hope live clean and free

but I'll admit that I'm anxious

to face down Satan's horde

may handsome boatman Charon

ferry us both safely back to shore  

with love to my handsome boatman 

Albert by name, psychopomp by trade

(photo is me around 7 already carrying a lot of pain)

I found the moon for us

our dear Jakey A was a 

lovely little man child

though you daren't call him

lil guy lest the boy go wild 

workman was the name

young Jakob best preferred

(loudly demanding) by that 

title he should be referred 

his workman job description

included some duties at night

this industrious third shifter

made sure to do his tasks right

self-appointed watch to keep 

when day began to wane

he'd always find the moon for us

from his bedroom window pane

when moon played hide n seek

and Luna was difficult to find 

Our Magus persisted diligently 

that rascally orb to mind 

nights when moon was new

her face seemed turned away  

Jake would explain she had to

shine on other kids that day

or when on stormy nights 

she couldn't be found at all

he'd cheerfully remind us she

still shone behind cloud pall 

 

his efforts were appreciated

keeping track was too much work 

it's nice to have a moon finder 

who never does his task shirk

adults get busy and we forget

simple pleasure can be ours 

thank God for our workman

displaying his universe of stars 

he was emcee and impresario

at the stellar moonshine show

bidding us come and hurry 

to see friend moon all aglow 

sometimes it takes a small one 

musing upon the heavens above

to draw our attention moonward 

and to help us feel her love

Jake now wears the dad hat 

has his own flock to tend

adulting leaves no moon time 

when there's work without end

but happily for everyone

a successor was begat 

a sweet starry-eyed maiden 

to wear the moon minder hat

All's well that ends well

now we've a star tender again

each night she finds the moon for us

Thank you, dear little Flora Lane 

our Gen 2 skygazer performs her

job, like pa, conscientiously

never a night goes by without

her checking for the moon to see

We're blessed, said the spider

for just a moment in time 

to gaze outside the window and

dance to earth's eternal rhyme

So peek out your peek hole

in whatever nest you call home

moon is smiling down on you 

to say you're never truly alone 

With love to the Magi, then, now and to come

Death-eating father

This ain't one of my 

summer sunshine rhymes

sorry fresh out tonight 

this is for blue black times

I'm not normally one to

let my inner goth out

but there are times when 

she needs to howl and shout

there was a man, a wolf

no, a werewolf was he

he was black Irish charming 

this wolfman father to me

he had a curse on him that 

he alas to me passed on 

or he cursed us both with

his morbid self-harm passion

death by name, death by trade

my pater was fixated upon 

a modern pre-Raphaelite with

unholy suicidal obsession

So very romantic, innit?

Poe, Rosetti and Millais

such fine young gentlemen

must have their peccadillo play 

look at all the little punters 

those dreamy soul-eyed pens

halcyon nights smoking life away

in disease ridden opium dens 

in laudanum induced stupor 

fantasizing about a red head

who by her own hand made 

herself all drowned and dead

isn't it a bitch when your 

superheroes show their grime?

welcome to my world folks 

that's what happened in mine    

he was my Ozymandias

despite having feet of clay 

we all do of course but

his were the muckiest of clay

by clay I mean earth, dust

eaten up by moth and worm

plotted his own decomposing

composing  his funereal requiem 

I get Mozart,  us both co-opted 

to play death disc in reverse 

to sound knell prematurely our 

dear old dads forced on us 

unlike Wolfgang I didn't have to

Pre-emptively eulogize my dad

I don't know if on reflecting

it woulda been any less bad

what the hell is wrong with 

these death-eating fathers of ours

bloody consumed with fussing 

about arranging their canopic jars?

so discussing this is hard and

I'm coming to it roundabout 

with all my highfalutin nods

why can't I just spit it out?

me dah detailed his bucket kicking

urged me to join in suicide pact 

his death wish 'bout destroyed me 

his the plan, but mine the act

on top of his threats, the guilt

made worse by the well-intentioned 

wondering aloud at his motives 

my shame increased when questioned

did he jump or was he pushed?

did it predate him enshrined in tomb?

his constant cakewalk with the grave

might it have begun in the womb?

I'm tempted to cut him slack 

cuz that's what I always do (did)

did he have a secret half life

that he kept from me well hid?

Was there some abiding pain that

made him speak fluent self-harm

did my dear grandparents hurt him

and set off his coffin alarm?

but how and when he did shows

endless talk of ending was ruse

to claim exemption without remorse

was a weapon to punish and abuse

I was threatened with his rope 

when he wanted an exit or excuse

suicide promises have a way 

of shutting down home truths 

funny tho it's never themselves

with whom they plan to do away  

vampirically they suck your self 

till you've no spark to light your day 

But I found my voice recently

and I find I've got a lot to say

to him who terrorized little me

dicing with death to get his way

yet too late now the doom's on me

the mirror's cracked side to side

taunts of his self-death ruined me

the gates of my hell opened wide

It's a curse I'm stuck with 

this tendency toward self-harm 

the loop has come full circle

now it's me sounding the alarm

I hate like hell I'm like this

it's knee-jerk though unwillingly

passing on the devil's contagion 

hurting my beloved posterity 

sins of my dad, brain-staining

Mea culpae for my many wrongs

mea maxima culpae, though two wrongs

don't unwrite the death-eater songs

I can't erase what's past but 

I can ease our today pain  

stop the evil juggernaut and

derail the ceaseless self-hurt train

I have to. I owe it to them. 

--with sorrow, contrition and love to the family circle

--and prayers to the Heavenly Father to help me to excise this generational cancer of the soul

--picture is me and Wolfman Jack about two years before he started sharing his death wish with me. Don't let the fond pose fool you. This is Instagram foreshadowing performative parenting for the camera. Usually he was nowhere to be found. Or mad at me. 

                     

It's my poem and I'll cry if I want to

You scold my poems because

they've a bitter bit of sting

the acrid sour anthems 

I've finally begun to ring

I'm "too heavy" you say

that I should write with levity

think of rainbow colored ponies

drink the chalice of poison Hi-C

Much as I'd love to be

a bright whiter shade of pale

tempting as cyanide is not

mine's a Bleaker street type tale

My biography was ever 

tart with lacrimal note

so I owe no explanation

and I'm not taking a vote

you demanding I defend

my verse's tear- salty word

shows you weren't listening 

you never saw nor heard

you turn your back now

as you always did back then 

against deaf-blind-muteness

why should I bother to defend? 

there are none so deaf 

as those who won't hear

none so obtuse as they who

harden eye, heart and ear 

If you still insist on reasons

don't miss your hand pulling strings

flip the mirror roundside right

you'll see how you messed up things

you called me oversensitive 

such hypocritical arrogance 

YOU told ME to sunny up, you?

the death-eating vampire prince?

May I ask why it's essential 

I sing a Nutra-sweet refrain? 

what's in it for you to tart up 

and candy-coat my memory train?

why the gaslighting nonsense

that the problem is the hurt one

that reporting harm is worse than

what and by whom hurt was done? 

Eleventh hour awareness shows

you bound and gagged my voice 

now your dirty blame shame game 

exposes your abuse as a choice 

you claim my remembrances mean

because I'm ashamed I'm to blame

what they reveal is you playing 

your sick Twister DARVO game

but I guess I should thank you 

your agenda demonstrates a lot

my shell-shocked brain now sees

that loving parents you were not

your overplayed your hand

the biter bit by her own fang

you're too up yourself to see 

by your own rope you'll hang

so beware your slip is showing  

you effed around and found out

your pink slip has been issued  

you're fired for messing about 

in this sorry song of mine

it's here we turn a corner

do an about face on shame and

be our lost child's chief mourner 

their pride killed small selves 

time the solipsists were leaving

forget their fanned out voices 

get on with overdue grieving

time to permit myself to

repeat the shit they said

to evict rent-free squatter

flying monkeys from my head 

I didn't think it needed 

to be reiterated yet again

that tears too long unshed 

just burn in endless pain

It ain't pretty inside me 

it's a grubby rubbish pile

But to heal the yuck within

I must dwell on it awhile

if it's inconvenient to hear

if you cannot sit beside me

think how hard it is to live and

don't mellow my harsh reality

Keep your toxic platitudes 

Save them for your rainy day

when your angst overflows

and everyone's gone away

I don't want your cheery

unicorns all sparkly brite 

you scoop their rainbow poop but

beware, lest they come back to bite

I don't give a fat rat's arse

who does or doesn't like my song

It's my poem, I'll cry if I want

you're free to read or move along