a chubby little girl with a permanent squint that looks like a scowl
that's what I see in my kiddie pics
what was I thinking behind that funny, awkward face?
I don't remember
I don't recall a bedroom. Or bed.
What was the wallpaper like?
I lived in so many places.
38 before 20, if I counted them all
I can't visualize a dinner table
except at the grama-grampa house
There are few doing-stuff together memories
I played alone a lot
I wandered around cities alone
at 6
I was a latchkey before it was a thing
I was sick alone
I never called any place "my" home
It was always dad's or mom's
And later stepmom's or stepdad's
I "lived with" them, I said
I slept on their couches
On makeshift beds with someone else's pillow
On unheated porches
in the baby's room
toys came and went with no warning
One day they were there
and the next, they were gone
sold, I think. I never asked.
food was thin on the ground
vitamins for breakfast
a power bar for lunch and salad for supper
I have stolen food before
Chores were never in short supply
lists and lists for me to do
no one else
just me
I've always felt outside
looking in other families' homes
my little face pressed to the window
steaming up the glass with my breath
Always seeing but never really seen
till someone needed something
a job done or a target
Apart but not a part
I never felt anything about it
I'm told I looked miserable
at family gatherings
I can't remember those either
I didn't know it was wrong
this nothing having but work
I know now it was.
At least, I think I do.
I still don't feel it's wrong
for me anyway
for others it would be
For my kids, hell yes
They had beds and toys
some are still in the basement
and memories
happy and a few sad
I still cook oversized meals
even though they've flown
I treasure their drawings
and stuffed animals
I'm feeding the little girl at the window
I gave her a bed and some toys
She has a home
She can call it hers
She still frosts up the glass
when she forgets she can come in
or is afraid to
or locks herself out
She still stays small
But she's staying longer
and smiling more
and remembering
Amen
Posts
